I’m not one to journal, mainly because I feel as though I have to record everything if I’m going to record anything. I’m a details girl and I don’t think they deserve being left out!
That being said, I thought it might be nice to reflect on year 27 of my life and Corey asked if I was doing it for a blog post. I initially just wanted to do it for my own benefit but thought it might be nice to share here. I am not as much of a writer as some of my siblings but I am learning that my words and opinions matter because I am God’s and made in His image, with His Holy Spirit in me.
I’ll dive right it. Year 27 was full of brokenness, full of healing and full of doubt and hope. Most days I felt like I was on a roller coaster. I struggled a lot with the basis of my faith, and I asked God a lot of questions. I knew He was real but there were still questions. Certain things didn’t feel fair. I cried a lot, all the time. I put up barriers to protect myself and experienced confusion as I felt the pain and beauty of raw vulnerability, community and accountability. Spiritual warfare became up close and personal. I battled with a lot of fear and guilt and asking myself why so much fear and guilt? I don’t think I realized just how much of a soul-searching year 27 was until I started reflecting yesterday. Here are a few of my thoughts that I don’t want to forget about this year.
- This world is broken and as a child of God it is NOT unnatural to long for wholeness and to ache for Heaven. This world isn’t my home and there is appropriate sadness and grieving over brokenness and sin that separates humans from God.
- My decisions should never be based on guilt or fear. Self talk became HUGE for me this year as I learned to evaluate choices and ask myself why I was saying “yes” or “no” to things.
- I am human and my faith does not always need to be strong or perfect. There is a reason we hear the cry “help my unbelief” in God’s word. I falter and fail and I am not God.
- My story is not your story. The hard and the easy of my life are not the hard and easy of your life and God designed it that way. Who am I to think I should have it harder or easier or to compare my story to yours? He is sovereign in my story and in all the things He gives to each one of us. I don’t need to feel bad that my story is not your story and I also don’t need to understand your story or my story…just allow God to write it and be faithful and obedient.
- I am loved by God and in the end His love is the only kind that truly matters. I am whole because of Him and that wholeness in the midst of brokenness is a beautiful gift.
I often get discouraged on this roller coaster. I am an optimist turned pessimist and an extrovert turned introvert in my late teens and it’s good for me to reflect and record the growth that God is gracing in my life. He has given me more compassion in the midst of suffering and helped me identify with pain in a new unique way and for that I praise Him and glorify His name!
I had a lot of fears leading up to this birthday and thoughts of wanting to slow time, making it stop, so I can stay in my twenties forever. 30 is going to hit HARD, y’all. But for now, as the chapter of year 27 ends and a new chapter of 28 opens here’s what I hope for my time ahead. I hope and pray I allow myself to be used up and spent; to move beyond the brokenness and into the light so I can fulfill God’s purpose for my life. I hope to do so out of God’s outpouring of gracious love and strength saturating my heart and soul and mind. I want to live on purpose, enjoying each moment and remembering more good than bad and breaking repetitive cycles because I’m open to scary change and accountability. I want to live more fully, love more deeply and forgive when it hurts. I hope to live with “perfect love casting out fear” and that my heart will remember that God is my Lord and I have no true good apart from Him. Here’s to a year full of Him.